Andy Richter once said, “The hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.” You know what? He’s kinda right. As much as some of us enjoy the joys of kids, many of also need a laugh at the end of the day. Happy Father’s Day from all of us at Jumble & Flow!
“I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.”
— Kevin Hart
“Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” — Chris Martin
“My 4-year-old son gave me a handmade card for Father’s Day. Maybe for Christmas I’ll draw him a picture of some toys.” — Jim Gaffigan
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” — Mark Twain
“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin Manuel Miranda
“You don’t need drugs when you have a [baby]. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad … it’s the same thing.” — Robin Williams
“Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions. Four-year-old: Why?” — James Breakwell
“I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ (I hadn’t met my daughter yet).” — Dax Shepard
“Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up.” — Ray Romano
“Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.” — Jim Gaffigan
“A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” — Steve Martin
“Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” — John Kinnear
These are just 10 funny dad quotes — oh, whoops! We miscounted — there are actually more than 10. What are we missing? Share some of your favorite quotes in comments.
Amy Cuevas Schroeder is the cofounder and Chief Content Officer of Jumble & Flow, the new lifestyle brand that empowers women to thrive in midlife. She started her first business, Venus Zine, in her dorm room at Michigan State University, and later sold the company. She now lives in the Chicago area, and is raising twin girls with her husband, Martin, a social worker. She’s worked as a content leader for Etsy, Minted, and Abstract, and has written for NYLON, Pitchfork, The Startup, and more.
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Amy Cuevas Schroeder
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